I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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