I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
jump out the window naked night went bad
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
