And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
