Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
