The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
