my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
