I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
