Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
