Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
