You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
