cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
