forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
