very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
