I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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