You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
