I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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