There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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