Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
