it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
