In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
