I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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