i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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