Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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