We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
