You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
