I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
