Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
