All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
