she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.