so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Randomize
