there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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