well I can't set my house on fire every night
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
