dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
