I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
