To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
this boner is exhausting
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
