I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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