I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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