Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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