i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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