Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
