You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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