what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
