Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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