when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
