I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
