Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
