1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
