U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
