I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.