genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.