i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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