if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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