I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
where am i from again
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
